Fangs Up bitches!

I have not been posting cos my internet was possessed by a selfish demon for a few days. But now its back and all the things I have in my head to talk about are tangled up in my spagetti brain. Whatever.
As a way to recover from not having a day off in like 2 weeks (working 13+ hours a day) I ate around fifty-thousand Chips Ahoy and watched 12 hours of television yesterday. Um-kay. Who saw the 16 and Preg w/ the blond chick who went to meet her father? The father who looked like some maniac out of the Dark Crystal? Yeah, the father who put a lock on his fridge because "there's $200 worth of meat in there and you never know who has sticky fingers"? The father who tried to make conversation by asking the daughter about the roadkill situation by where she lives? Normal. Goodbye Normal Jean, though I never knew you at all you had the grace to hold yourself while those around you crawled...
Yeah. I had a particularly gnarballs day on Saturday for this beer event at 3Fs. Got there around 7:30am and went to breakfast with Hollie. Keep in mind that this place is in the ugliest fucking part of this entire country: Indiana. Vast expances of rundown car dealerships, strip clubs, Arby's, whathaveyou. No sidewalks. And there he is, stumbling down the side of the highway: an orange prince in an Affliction tshirt, jeans from Target made to look like Antiks, and a gold cross necklace subtley glimmering in an erotic firedance with the morning sun--yes friends, an Indiana greaseball walk of shame. Damn it feels good to be a gangster.
We got back to work in time to pick up our uniforms for the day (a red tshirt--there were like 6,000 people at this shiz so we had to wear them to stand out). The staff my work is really small so there were a lot of volunteers for the day, one of which was this rockabilly asshole who cut her shirt up the front to make it into like a cardigan and then tied it in the back so it looked like a SHRUG. Number one, fuck you. Its not the fifties (thank GOD). The people back then looked stupid enough, and you parodying it for reasons I will never understand looks even more lame. GOD! Have you ever been over to a rockabillys house? Jesus christ! Its insane! They really don't waver. These fucks have leopard print toilet paper and shit! Cherries: gay. Dice: gay (unless 20-sided, duh) Tiki: disgusting. Hey daddio lets hop into my fuckin 57 Chev and cruise down to the Cherry Poppin Daddies show, or we could just go bowling! Viva Las Vegas! FUCK YOU! If youre gonna halloween your ass up with an era at least pick a cool one, dress like a Viking or a mideval monk or Ozzy (in the day) or Joan of Arc. And a SHRUG aka the most unflattering Jennifer Husdon ass shit of all time? Kewl! Not.
I really went beyond the thunderdome of hating on that chick when she wouldn't give me some paper towels, paper towels that I went and got because I ACTUALLY work there. People were dropping bottles of beer left and right and making huge messes and this bitch has her creepy ass falcons claw gripped to these paper towels like its the goddamn holy grail BECAUSE she was wrapping each bottle she sold like its motherfucking mothers day at Tiffany and Co. If those beer dorks were so freaking concerned with their precious bottles of weird beer then they should have brought bubble wrap for those shits. I ripped those towels out of her hand like Dalton rips that guy's throat out in Roadhouse. "Pain don't hurt," I said to her and spit on the ground at her feet like it was the wild west. (J/k about that last part: I wish.)
Then we ran out of beer and people were crying. Fucking crying dude, can you believe that? I'm a psycho too, but fuck. Its not like we're talking missing a Courtney Love garage sale or finding out that you declined going out cos the people who invited you were going to some club downtown, which is disgusting, when what happened was this guy you know was there with Kid Rock and everybody ended up in a basement doing karaoke and drinking the Coors Light that KRock brought HIMSELF (true story and I really am wiping tears from my eyes at this moment thinking about it).
Then the bands played. WOWIE WOW WOW. I've told this story already 8,000 times and it's going to be a challenge to describe this scene rather than act out a lot of it, cos this shit was gestureally HEAVY, seriously. Okay. This band from Telaviv played, can't remember the name. They were gypsy style but not in a corny Gogolbordello way (no I don't care if you think Gogolbordello are 'pretty good', they are corny. As hell.) This band was good. The crowd was holding up the drummer and his set while he played so it was kinetic and exciting. Firstly, there was some pure bafoon showboating like a goddamn court jester the entire time, climbing up on shit and dancing with the band (Avail much clown?) and this guys outfit was such a mind blower I actually TOOK NOTES on it while it was going on. This stooge was wearing a style that Skulls and I made up a name for tonight while discussing Ed Hardy: "Fangs Up". I absolutely will explain what it means in a minute. This was his outfit: A wigger-style Slim Shady (yes, the brand itself was Slim Shady--tight, tight) baseball hat--flat brim w/ gold sticker, a rainbow colored cuff bracelet(not the pride rainbow though) that was the size of a coffee mug, a YBNorms thrift store
blazer WITH, no lie, a homemeade COTTONMOUTH KINGS BACKPATCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Whatever this kid's name is, I want to scream it from a Russian mountain like Rocky (4) screamed "DRAGO!!!!!!!!"
Eventually he slipped off a picnic table and hit his wittow head, and my attention went to someone even better: Moshin' Granny. DUDE. There are no words for this fuckin shit! LOLing til death over this. Okay. God where do I even start???
This woman was complete aged Grace Under Fire. Blonde hair styled like Reba,
wearing a total Mom-style Wal Mart t shirt that had an out-of-focus flower print with some bullshit cursive text all over it and bad jeans (Faded Glory's, no doubt). Homegirl was at least 60. She was RAGING. Picture me unexpectedly seeing Soundgarden perform "Jesus Christ Pose" live (when Chris Cornell still had a voice). Basically I would lose my effing MIND. So this bitch is dancing, moshing, and generally getting down with the sickness and I am standing right behind her. She turns around and gives me the "rock nod", which is when a band is blowing your mind and you look to anybody else witnessing it and give a no-bullshit nod of appreciation. I smiled at her, stuck out my tongue, and flashed her the shaka.
She responded to that with a bizarre salute that I don't know HOW I'm going to describe, but I will try. She put her arm high in the air and flicked her wrist twice, quickly, in a move I could see a professional wrestler doing to dismiss their opponent and at the same time suggest 'Don't fuck wit dis', but she was not dismissing me, she was celebrating with me. Then the singer gave her husband the microphone and he yelled, "I wanna hear you say MOTHERFUCKAAA!!!" which duh is badass as hell!
Oh man you guys I want to explain Fangs Up but I myself am a faded glory at this point and I gotta go to bed!
I will tell you about that in the morn.
Shaka brah!