ANYTHING LESS WOULD BE UNCIVILIZED!

Monday, April 12, 2010

BP<>BP<>TROLL<>2<>TROLL







A few years ago my friend Vanessa and I (Bronwyn--she's the chick we ran into in the street my last day in SF) and I went to see Rollins Band. We called the venue ahead of time to see what time the powerhouse was due on stage so we wouldn't have to witness whoever would possibly open up for them. Exactly at the time RB was starting Van and I dropped to our hands and knees and crawled through the sold out show made up of marines, 40-something midwest punks trying to keep that candle burning by wearing leather jackets and converse and wallet chains accompanied by wives in cat-eye glasses and maroon hair--also in Converse but paired with some wack Exene Cervenka dress and of course, a leather or gas station jacket, oh and lets not forget the lunchbox-as-purse--my fav of these couples are the ones who bring their mortified kids; jocks, genuine misfits such as fat black punkers wearing choakers, comic book/Kevin Smith blobs, and a few semi-attractive punk cougars (i guess?). People are fucking total pussies so nobody said anything about us crawling our way to the front, but when they would passive-aggressively snort Vanessa would shout "Dood! I lost my fucking contact lens man!" (Vanessa is the most hilarious person alive, her voice is amazing and my fav quote from her ever is: "Dood! Megadeth fucking rool! All their songs are puns!" said of course in the craziest Da Bears Chicago accent). ANYWAY. The moment we make it to the front row, as we are standing up from our Commando-ass mission, Rollins runs onto the stage--as usual shirtless in the black shorts--and Van and I BOTH, SIMULTANEOUSLY, burst into tears! Jacko style dude. Like he's the fucking Beatles and we are at the goddamn Ed Sullivan show. That is how much I love Rollins. If that story doesn't fully convince you, take a look at this insane clown shit:

Yes, I made this. The tattoos are embroidered. Look, this is just the way I am and when people fight who they really are, they become like Tom Cruise. Tom Cruise fucking sucks, plus everybody already knows what he's hiding anyway. Like Heidi Montag. What is the point of getting plastic surgery when you are already famous? We know what you looked like BEFORE! And trust in me, we will not forget. Ever.
So anyways, now that you know all this, imagine my ass showing up for work and finding out that Rollins is there watching a movie! And this also happened to be my first day back from seeing my BFF&E&E&E&E x infinity, which may not to the naked eye seem connected, but like all things, it is. And since I have the whole day off today, and the codiene I took this morning to cagefight the mini- Freddy Kreuger thats been doing a gymnastics floor-routine all up in my uterus is finally wearing off from a heroin-esque zombie daze to mild normailty, I'm going really bust it out, and if it bores you, you are only a click away from evacuation, so its not my fuckin prob.
I am putting the following vids on here because there is no other way to explain the profound connection this has to me, in addition to the first time Bronwyn and I hung out as per usual I was defending my love for Henry Rollins to some idiot who obviously has no spirit of life and Bronwyn was like, "I love Rollins too!"



Bronwyn and I are BFs the way Rollins and Joe Cole were. We think we are the funniest people on earth. We alienate others with our retardation. We annoy everyone by accidentally talking like Valley Girls. But most importantly, we have been through a lot together and I love her more than anyone!
Sometimes I think about Joe Cole dying and I really cry.
I went to San Francisco with an aching in my heart. (JK, that was beyond wack). I went for my birffday to see Bronwyn and Stefan last week.
The second day there we went to Alcatraz, and before we even got on the fucking boat it was plain to see we were about to start a riot in this bitch.
Stefan told us that in the 70's Alcatraz was taken over by Indians and there is still a bunch of Indian graffiti up. Pretty sick.
You can still see some on this watertower too.
The people on the tour seemed pleased enough to experience the history of the place, and yeah, things are kept really cute.
Too bad these fucks didn't have Etsy back then, they'd be Buy Olympia superstars! Ninnies.
Like I said, this stuff was cute and all, but I was more fascinated by the wildlife roaming the grounds.
How do you assemble this above outfit? Is it bought deliberately, piece-by-piece? Or is that a one-stop-shop? How long did it take to pick each item? Did he look at them, like really look at them, try them on, and look from different angles, making different faces in the mirror, or was it a nonchalant and immediate toss into the cart? (Yes, the cart. Meijer, obvo.)

I don't care how old I get, or how sick I get, or whatever. Wearing this outfit is less than an option than living the rest of my life in a complete football uniform with multi-colored clown wig sticking out of the helmet and crocs worn stuffed into stilettos. Oh wait but is she blind? Whoops.
Bronwyn and I were laughing at this eurotrash shitball so hard, people must have thought we had taken a matress-sized bag of shrooms.
I don't know why either, I don't know why its so funny, but it is. Look at his feet too. I'm laughing even now looking at this shit.

So into this guy! Its like if a newscaster was kidnapped, given 800 hits of suburban 90's acid, and dressed up in Jordan Catalano's discarded clothes. Then was dropped off at Alcatraz. As the kids are sayin: No Big D.
LOVE this next look.
You know what store is super ill? Like I used to like Supreme, like I mean its o-kay for just like whatever, but man, the Gap is sweet bro! I wish I could find one! When you live in the midwest man, you just can't get the whoop ass gear you can get at The Gap, it sucks!
This kid's got the real deal, blue on green! So effing DOPE you guys!

I aint even gonna lie dudes, this next person was my fav. Look at Bronwyn scoping her too. SYNCRONICITY AS USUAL.
Property of Alcatraz: Psycho Ward. It is my experience that when one does a tourist sitch, you buy your souvineer AFTER you've experienced the magic. Like this guy:
He most likely bought this charming sweatshirt after being spirited away by the thrill ride that is Pirates of the Caribbean. But then again, maybe I'm wrong here.
This girl however, is obviously deeply into Alcatraz. She dressed up like she was about to take the stage in Jailhouse Rock, she was SOLO, and then there is this
where she is OBVIOUSLY imagining she IS Al Capone staring longingly at civilization. So fucking rad.


This is a woman btw
Bronwyn got an awesome pic of her with her kid from the front, zigazigow!

Rasta drugrug + basketball shorts = perfection
Cute socks too broseph.

What is she texting? "Totes @ da 'traz bitches! Jelly balls much? LOLOLOLOLOL!" Probs true.

Worst outfit on earth. www.buyolympia.com

OMG OMG OMG biggest most insane clown posse EVER!!!!!!!!!!!
Don't sweat the technique!

La la la la dee, la la laaaaaa, oh whats up?
Fuck NO I aint gonna let the troll I'm giving birth to out of my motherfuckin chin stop me from going to Alcatraz, what are you fuckin STONED or somethin'? Sheeeeit. Oh hell no dog. Hay-el no!

Hey rasta drugrug kid! I found you your soulmate! Don't fight it. I wanna see those yellow sweats on yr floor with the rest of your empty Dr Pepper bottles, floppy socks, video game controllers and an unraveled roll of paper towels.

After Alctrz we went to Borders and had an interesting experience. We ordered our bevs. The guy asked Bronwyn, to her face, if she wanted it hot or iced. She said hot. Then he asked if we wanted whipped cream on either. We both said yes. When we picked up our drinks one of them was iced and neither had whipped cream. I brought this to his attention, and he goes, "Neither of those kind of drinks come with whipped cream." YOU ASKED us if we wanted it fool! I was dumbfounded. Since "rules" at this Borders are apparently changing minute-to-minute (it IS California...) we left them this as a memento of our time there
Next stop was the Tonga Room, which is a Hawaiian themed bar in a fancy hotel.
The drinks were AMAZING, but they couldn't even compete with the spectacle we witnessed at a nearby table of mother-son duo. The mother looked like Aunt Jackie but with a perfect newscaster woman hairdo. The son was no older than seven years old and looked like a standard white child. He was drinking a kiddie-cocktail or whatever, and the mom started off with a huge shot of something. (This was at 5pm btw). Then before downing whatever else she was drinking (it looked like a man drink--on the rocks of course) she made her kid "cheers" her with his kiddie cocktail! Wicked stylee.


They have a glamorous bathroom huh?

Speaking of bathrooms, here is the Tonga Room's bathroom's worst nightmare! If it could see it, and if it could scream, it would scream like that hedgehog does in the trailer of that new Brendan Fraiser movie where a raccoon sprays him in the dong with a hose!
This was at a bar we went to my last night. I can't remember what its called but its the type of place that dudes who like High on Fire go. We blasted back more than a few double Hounds there, and the bartender had a serve made of lead! I got funked up.

By the time we got to the next place

I was feeling like this
but that never stops me from going until the birds start chirping, especially if I can refuel with my fav delicacy: CHOS.

After those chos it was time to do what we came to SF to do: write. (For novices, "write" means to do graf, "graf" meaning graffiti, but really if you don't know that, I don't think you have any biz reading this blog, k?)
Here is us with our finished piece (we have to hide our faces cos we don't want to go to jail--AGAIN). After this it was time to go to Hamburger Eyes to do our "ritual" after exhaustive writing sessions


The ceremonial alien vs punching back gave us a second wind and we hit the streets again

And thats it!
Before you go peep the most amazing bithday cake that hase ever existed!!!!!!!!!!
Bronwyn, I love you! I got Fast Sofa in the mail today for when you visit this summer!!!!!!!!!!

5 comments:

  1. i can't stop laughing. that guy in the lineup at the taqueria!!! STFU WTF BRB LOLZ what is he wearing on his head! i dont remember him!
    FAST SOFA! i cant wait!

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  2. ps. i know i've told you before, but that rollins doll is the most amazing thing ever. joe cole was going out with michelle from babes in toyland when he died, there's tons of stuff about their relationship and how fucked up she was about it in the babes biography, which is a must read.
    did you get yr period today ME TOOO!!!!!!
    MOONS
    CIRCLES
    WOMBS
    WARLOCKS
    WANDS
    PSYCHIC CONNECT
    N SYNC
    whut whut!!

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  3. U are my white witch of grace and beauty. One love mon: dreadloxx.

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  4. Haha whitewitch!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Remember that text?! Or my personal fave "if u don't call me in ten to fifteen minutes I'm going to call all yr friends. It will b fucking over"!!!

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  5. Hey

    Brownwyn told me that you are making an Anthony Kiedis doll like the Rollins one and I would pay you if you made me one!!!! MY GOD!! Info asap!

    Anyways, yr blog rules

    Bye!

    ReplyDelete