Monday, July 20, 2009

It's no "Trouble", thats all I'm sayin

Hurt Locker is the best movie I've seen since my major obsession Miami Vice. However, the performance in this remains unmatched:

Sunday, July 5, 2009


This is the best thing I've ever seen.


Time for my review of "Sleuth".
There are several tiers of shitty movies. The bottom tier is things you can't even get straight-to-dvd. Its shit that people released themselves, such as Malaqueerche. Ontop of that are things like this

which, yes, I own.
As the most complicated subset of shit, tier 2 includes movies that are, in their own way, as difficult to watch as say the early experimental works of Terry Reily (I once sat in a movie theater in Seattle watching a two hour long blinking screen, WOW). These films are tedious in their entire presentation, usually due to indulgent (ie long) edits of mundane activity, painful acting, set design that makes Spanish soap operas look like Eyes Wide Shut, and Dad-shooting-a-kid's-soccer-game cinematography. To many these movies are unwatchable, but to me, yo. My bread and effing butter dude. The payoff is in the script. The payoff is in something I am SUPER obsessed with: decisions. Not to be confused with choices. DECISIONS. More about that later. Other movies in tier 2: Instructional videos from the thrift store, Wild Hogs, Air Bud, Pizza, Goulies.

Tier 3 is different from 2 only in that this category is exclusively based on movies that try to capitalize off of timely and popular genres. My personal favorites are the ones that rip off 90's slacker movies, such as "Some Girl": written by and starring that Rabisi sister, the movie opens with her diet-Tori Amos ass running down the street in slo-mo wearing angel wings and creepers to a cover of "The Roof is on Fire"--it gets better form there, Juliette Lewis is a slut, Jeremy Sisto scorches as usual, Adam Goldberg wears a wig and purple-tinted shades and asks if the word "queef" counts in a game of Scrabble (direct rip-off of Reality Bites), many painful conversations and narration help along the vibe as much as the set decor of purple walls and leopard print fabric draped everywhere.
This tier includes straight to video sequels of popular movies such as The Crow.
Other films of tier 3: Body Shots, Girl, Tart, anything with Dominique Swain, The Smokers

The 4th tier is the most palatable because it includes things that some people may even like, as if it is not funny. Like "Finding Forrester". I'm not super into this category because it also is the home of known stinkers such as Gigli, and cult doozies like Showgirls, Troll 2, and Glitter, which yeah, those are all good, but they don't require such archeology on my part. They make it too easy.

One of my favs is for sure tier 5, re-re central. I Am Sam, Sling Blade, Gilbert Grape, Benny and June, Rainman, AND of course The Other Sister. Pure gold.

The 6th and final tier is reserved for the ultimate in movie carnage. What makes them prestigious is that they have budgets. The composition is competent, if not good. Some of these movies have actual movie stars in them, usually ones trying to change their vibe away from innocent. Some of them maybe just trusted the people they were working with. Regardless, something went wrong. Or for me, something went just right. This tier has failsafe viewing potential: you can laugh at it even while alone, although these movies are perfect with the right people and some drink.
"Sleuth" makes the grade for this tier, with flying (rainbow) colors.
Other Tier 6 cuts: Bully, Poison Ivy (one and two), Rocky 4, The Real Cancun, The Butterfly Effect, Sommersby, Georgia Rule, Roadhouse, Fear, Eyes Wide Shut, and the Dungeon Master itself: Havoc.

You REALLY need to see "Sleuth". If only for the part when Jude Law screams "I'M NOT A HAIRDRESSER!!!"
PURE 100% G-O-L-D.

sunday morning

I am OBSESSED with those singles ads (usually on Myspace) that are video of someone pretending to be web-cam chatting. I just watched one for like a half hour. Its like when you have a soundless, fake conversation while looking in the mirror, which incidentally, I love to do.

Friday, July 3, 2009


The Hillz
I tried to find info about the writer/director, Saran Barnun, but there is none. What I can um, concur from my ability to deep troll the internet is that Saran may or may not have a picture of Eddie (Iron Maiden) as his Facebook profile (by the time I found this, which took like 2 troll seconds, I was too bored to sign in and all that to find out what I already know: this person is amazing, and possibly retarded), and he is named after a preservatory plastic wrap. Oh! And I'm pretty sure he is childhood friends with the Hilton sisters.

The FILM begins with a group of teens harrassing a convenient store employee, who is Indian. I'd find this offensive, but since I've never seen this happen in a movie or in real life before, it's pretty darn edgy. The group of teens are from "The Hillz" which I GUESS means rich, but they look and act like they are from Bakersfield. To prove this further they demand the clerk sell them "a bottle of Jack". Like any of the teens in Alpha Dog or Havoc would drink that shit. Saran dude, do yr effing homework son! What follows is a party scene. A member of this exclusive syndicate sleazes up to a group of girls, one of whom is wearing an off-white silk blouse. You are at a party, in "The Hillz", and you decided to borrow your mom's shirt she wears to church? Were we supposed to ignore that she was wearing that??? The group then gives the Lauren Ambrose character a hit of weed and she passes out cold, so a quick rock-paper-scissors decides who will rape her. The leader of the group, Duff I believe, wins but seems upset about it. This is the movie's signature: elusive and complicated, it makes you cock your head to the side and say, "HUH?". Cock. SO. Then Duff finds a gun so they kill a bunch of people; a cop beats one of them to the ground and pisses on his face, for which he shall be slain; Paris Hilton says a lot of bored things poolside while wearing gross bikinis--some thumbless 6 year old with a pair of dull scissors must have a voodoo doll of Paris cos her hair looks like a person with a gun to their head made a wig out of hay in the dark.

Thursday, July 2, 2009

Funniest movie. Of all time.

Rented this bad boy last night. Look for my review in the near future as the first of many in a new element to this blog called "Film Corner". I am calling it that because it is a stupid name and I will be discussing stupid movies, which BY THE BY, are thee new avant. Deal with it.