ANYTHING LESS WOULD BE UNCIVILIZED!

Thursday, April 29, 2010

Daughter to father daughter to father daughter to father

This is worth watching for many reasons, one is the guy at the beginning shamelessly munching a gigantic bag of Doritos (hideous), a camera pan that glides by the ugliest lamp ever, the fact that they obviously shot this in an apartment complex in Palatine, Illinois, and the part when she is wearing a leopard hat w/ ears against a background of fake blood. I wish so badly you could see the old vids I made in art school. They looked EXACTLY like this!!!!!!!!! Kudos.



The AV Club did a deep academic piece on Lilo that I found riveting. Read it here.

I don't know how many of you are familiar with the mid 90's basement screamo band Putitan, but when they would play, people would lose their shit, deep style. When they played Detroit Fest at the end of their set they all put down their instruments and the singer says into the microphone, "This is my therapy" and starts SCREAMING at the top of his lungs. The crowd follows this and are all screaming, CRYING, and flailing all over the place. Lindsay would've punched a mirror (or the water in a bathtub--more normal) and STAGE DOVE if she were there.

I feel your tears; I touch your smile



People's You Tube comments are seriously the best thing ON EARTH!!!!!!!!
  • priyamluvshuddy his character reminds me of marlon brando in the wild one, classic rebel image not ready to bow down. amazing to see he changed so much, blonde to brunette, rebel to a laywer, but he is exotic to watch
Exotic to watch??? Priyamluvshuddy (sick name BTW) is full-blown chickenhawk stylee FER SHER. Brando reference? Doy. 'Exotic to watch' is not correct grammar, right? Totally going to say this to someone unsuspecting as soon as possible. "Hey Steve, you remind me of Marlon Brando in the Wild One. A classic rebel who will never BOW DOWN. You are exotic to watch." Wink.


PS I know every single word to this song, by heart. Its really not that big of a deal.

Get them fangs up

Fangs Up: Lifestyle Edition

Starring Lohan, Fangin' it up at Cochella via Arab Parrot.

Okays so what is Fangs Up...
The other day I went shopping and made an impulse buy, this sweatshirt:
I bought it because it fit, its black (I need a black hoodie. The American Apparel ones fit weird on my picasso ass frame, they are too tight and too long. I'm not a flag pole, ok? Plus their black hoodies have that white zipper ribbon and I want a black hoodie with silver zipper and black ribbon which is impossible to find. I had a vintage one but I think someone stole it. I'm sure you care. ANYWAY.), and I thought it was funny that on the back it says "Fangs Up" in Gummo font.
I wore the sucker to work and Charlie was like, "Are you wearing a Cobra Starship sweatshirt?!" and I'm like, "I don't know, I guess, what is it?" And he informs me its some Pete Wentz-produced emo band!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OMeffingG. How am I supposed to know about that? I don't work at Hot Topic. I'm old! Skulls was working too so I showed him and he laughed hysterically at it and they both told me I have to keep it, cos I was like, oh great now I have to return this piece of shit.
As I have discussed before I am into wearing things that will make people think I'm lame. Its not irony though because I don't hate whatever it is I'm wearing, like this
I don't hate Slipknot, how can I when I've never even knowingly heard them? I do understand their image though, and I know its 1)Not seen as cool in anyway 2)Angry. I'm down.
I'm thinking I'm going to wear this tshirt with this as a vest over it
Modern Americana is fucking sweet, its unreal. I'm so into it.
ANYWAY. I have been looking like a hawk for some ill Ed Hardy gear, and yes, there is a bounty of that trash on every corner, but I am waiting for my Ed H UNICORN; the piece de resistance: a satin Ed Hardy jacket circa 2006 with a bedazzled tiger head on the back and dragons shooting up the arms. I got outbid on an Ebay one, but I'll be back. This, Von Dutch, etc is all considered the style now known as "Fangs Up".
I would mos def settle for this atrocity though, I mean an ankh/peace sign COMBO!? That shoots some fangs waaaay the fuck up! This beast has a $150 buy-it-now. Rufukkinkiddingme?


I made it like 2 seconds into this wack bullshit. This is the worst music I have ever heard. I'd rather watch a jam band at a coffeehouse in Madison Wisconsin.

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Fangs Up bitches!

I have not been posting cos my internet was possessed by a selfish demon for a few days. But now its back and all the things I have in my head to talk about are tangled up in my spagetti brain. Whatever.
As a way to recover from not having a day off in like 2 weeks (working 13+ hours a day) I ate around fifty-thousand Chips Ahoy and watched 12 hours of television yesterday. Um-kay. Who saw the 16 and Preg w/ the blond chick who went to meet her father? The father who looked like some maniac out of the Dark Crystal? Yeah, the father who put a lock on his fridge because "there's $200 worth of meat in there and you never know who has sticky fingers"? The father who tried to make conversation by asking the daughter about the roadkill situation by where she lives? Normal. Goodbye Normal Jean, though I never knew you at all you had the grace to hold yourself while those around you crawled...
Yeah. I had a particularly gnarballs day on Saturday for this beer event at 3Fs. Got there around 7:30am and went to breakfast with Hollie. Keep in mind that this place is in the ugliest fucking part of this entire country: Indiana. Vast expances of rundown car dealerships, strip clubs, Arby's, whathaveyou. No sidewalks. And there he is, stumbling down the side of the highway: an orange prince in an Affliction tshirt, jeans from Target made to look like Antiks, and a gold cross necklace subtley glimmering in an erotic firedance with the morning sun--yes friends, an Indiana greaseball walk of shame. Damn it feels good to be a gangster.
We got back to work in time to pick up our uniforms for the day (a red tshirt--there were like 6,000 people at this shiz so we had to wear them to stand out). The staff my work is really small so there were a lot of volunteers for the day, one of which was this rockabilly asshole who cut her shirt up the front to make it into like a cardigan and then tied it in the back so it looked like a SHRUG. Number one, fuck you. Its not the fifties (thank GOD). The people back then looked stupid enough, and you parodying it for reasons I will never understand looks even more lame. GOD! Have you ever been over to a rockabillys house? Jesus christ! Its insane! They really don't waver. These fucks have leopard print toilet paper and shit! Cherries: gay. Dice: gay (unless 20-sided, duh) Tiki: disgusting. Hey daddio lets hop into my fuckin 57 Chev and cruise down to the Cherry Poppin Daddies show, or we could just go bowling! Viva Las Vegas! FUCK YOU! If youre gonna halloween your ass up with an era at least pick a cool one, dress like a Viking or a mideval monk or Ozzy (in the day) or Joan of Arc. And a SHRUG aka the most unflattering Jennifer Husdon ass shit of all time? Kewl! Not.
I really went beyond the thunderdome of hating on that chick when she wouldn't give me some paper towels, paper towels that I went and got because I ACTUALLY work there. People were dropping bottles of beer left and right and making huge messes and this bitch has her creepy ass falcons claw gripped to these paper towels like its the goddamn holy grail BECAUSE she was wrapping each bottle she sold like its motherfucking mothers day at Tiffany and Co. If those beer dorks were so freaking concerned with their precious bottles of weird beer then they should have brought bubble wrap for those shits. I ripped those towels out of her hand like Dalton rips that guy's throat out in Roadhouse. "Pain don't hurt," I said to her and spit on the ground at her feet like it was the wild west. (J/k about that last part: I wish.)
Then we ran out of beer and people were crying. Fucking crying dude, can you believe that? I'm a psycho too, but fuck. Its not like we're talking missing a Courtney Love garage sale or finding out that you declined going out cos the people who invited you were going to some club downtown, which is disgusting, when what happened was this guy you know was there with Kid Rock and everybody ended up in a basement doing karaoke and drinking the Coors Light that KRock brought HIMSELF (true story and I really am wiping tears from my eyes at this moment thinking about it).
Then the bands played. WOWIE WOW WOW. I've told this story already 8,000 times and it's going to be a challenge to describe this scene rather than act out a lot of it, cos this shit was gestureally HEAVY, seriously. Okay. This band from Telaviv played, can't remember the name. They were gypsy style but not in a corny Gogolbordello way (no I don't care if you think Gogolbordello are 'pretty good', they are corny. As hell.) This band was good. The crowd was holding up the drummer and his set while he played so it was kinetic and exciting. Firstly, there was some pure bafoon showboating like a goddamn court jester the entire time, climbing up on shit and dancing with the band (Avail much clown?) and this guys outfit was such a mind blower I actually TOOK NOTES on it while it was going on. This stooge was wearing a style that Skulls and I made up a name for tonight while discussing Ed Hardy: "Fangs Up". I absolutely will explain what it means in a minute. This was his outfit: A wigger-style Slim Shady (yes, the brand itself was Slim Shady--tight, tight) baseball hat--flat brim w/ gold sticker, a rainbow colored cuff bracelet(not the pride rainbow though) that was the size of a coffee mug, a YBNorms thrift store
blazer WITH, no lie, a homemeade COTTONMOUTH KINGS BACKPATCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Whatever this kid's name is, I want to scream it from a Russian mountain like Rocky (4) screamed "DRAGO!!!!!!!!"
Eventually he slipped off a picnic table and hit his wittow head, and my attention went to someone even better: Moshin' Granny. DUDE. There are no words for this fuckin shit! LOLing til death over this. Okay. God where do I even start???
This woman was complete aged Grace Under Fire. Blonde hair styled like Reba,
wearing a total Mom-style Wal Mart t shirt that had an out-of-focus flower print with some bullshit cursive text all over it and bad jeans (Faded Glory's, no doubt). Homegirl was at least 60. She was RAGING. Picture me unexpectedly seeing Soundgarden perform "Jesus Christ Pose" live (when Chris Cornell still had a voice). Basically I would lose my effing MIND. So this bitch is dancing, moshing, and generally getting down with the sickness and I am standing right behind her. She turns around and gives me the "rock nod", which is when a band is blowing your mind and you look to anybody else witnessing it and give a no-bullshit nod of appreciation. I smiled at her, stuck out my tongue, and flashed her the shaka.
She responded to that with a bizarre salute that I don't know HOW I'm going to describe, but I will try. She put her arm high in the air and flicked her wrist twice, quickly, in a move I could see a professional wrestler doing to dismiss their opponent and at the same time suggest 'Don't fuck wit dis', but she was not dismissing me, she was celebrating with me. Then the singer gave her husband the microphone and he yelled, "I wanna hear you say MOTHERFUCKAAA!!!" which duh is badass as hell!
Oh man you guys I want to explain Fangs Up but I myself am a faded glory at this point and I gotta go to bed!
I will tell you about that in the morn.
Shaka brah!

Friday, April 23, 2010

People are afraid to merge


Pretty much the best movie OF ALL TIME!!!!!!!!!!!
James Spader has a cordless phone that floats in the pool! That shit is licensed to ill no doubt.

Napalm Death imaginary friends

Coolest looking group of people EVER, NO CONTEST!!!! Left to right: That guy is who you end up talking to, WASTED, at some party at the end of the night when you can't quite hold it together anymore so you mostly let them talk while saying, "Uh huh" over and over 80 million times--but this is the guy when you see again both of you will pretend like you've never met and go through the whole thing of "nice to meet you", which is all good cos he's actually a rad dude. The next guy is someone you buy a bunch of cool stuff from at a flea market and he ends up talking your ass off a little too long, but its cool cos I mean look at his fuckin ass. Mmmm, and then the heartthrob...this is a guy that if we were friends it would constantly be on the tip of my tongue to ask him if I could practice french braiding on his outrageous hair but his personality would keep it from being that familiar--the friendship would be short lived: he's the kind of dude who after 15 years or some shit with no girlfriend would get one out of nowhere and she'd probably have a bad haircut and be too skinny yet with weird flab and an annoying know-it-all vibe and they'd move in together too quickly and probably start some weird ass diet that alienates everyone else and put up nerdy horror movie posters and shit, and that would be that. But we still got the guy to the far right, who looks like a scary beast (well, sort of, like to a mom or something) but is so nice and hilarious and will open up the pizza place he works at at 2am to make you a pizza. I would have one of those Lemonatas too and he would be like, "Oh yeah, take whatever you want." and he'd probably be wearing some super rad outfit that on anybody else would burn me to the ground with jealously (I wear dudes clothes in case you didn't notice) but on him I wouldn't be jealous, I would be proud to be seen with him.

Thursday, April 22, 2010

Post work playlist

Maybe this is like, UH DUH, but last night my brain was shockwaved by the realization that you can totally separate the men from the children by what music you are into. Is this getting into corny territory? OH WELL, STOP READING THEN ASSMAN. I've been working bo-bo-gnar-gnar style for the last few weeks and I have financial stresses ontop of that, and dude, as soon as I get off work I blast
1. At the Gates (3 songs)
2. Plague Bringer (1 song)
3. Babes in Toyland (2 songs)
4. POD (1 song)

That is how long it takes me to get home. And yes, I said POD. Fuck you. Fuck you and whatever gayballs corndog shit you are mellowing out to cos you didn't have some assburger yelling in your face about a bunch of shit that doesn't matter. You'd think I work in an ER in South Central. No. I work at a movie theater in a yuppie neighborhood. You may play dressup like its halloween and you are going as a bike messenger (ahem, EXCUSE ME, courier), you might have holes in your shoes and drink Hamm's, you might smell like a decaying tampon in a Florida gutter, but if you aren't listening to some blistering ass music, such as HEAVY METAL, or Swans, or that crazy ass rave shit thats just bass and sounds like it'll rip your face off your skull (like a highpowered hose at a carwash perhaps) YOU ARE RICH SO SHUT THE FUCK UP ABOUT WHATEVER NINNY SHIT YOU ARE PRETENDING TO CARE ABOUT. I bet your parents have a pool.
And THAT is why I'm down with the motherfucking clown.

I'm making a painting of this

I'm in a balls deep Heath Ledger K-hole right now. 1979, Never B Normal. RIP.
Always was beyond the grid style-wise.
This one is a mindblower beyond thunderdome! Poet shirt worn cholo style, hot beef! Do I spy an ornate pinky ring peeking out of that whimsical and delicate sleeve? Pimp cane? This shiz skips next level broham.
Speaking of "pimp", that word is underrated, overused--inappropriately almost always and I wouldn't have it any other way, and an all-around awesome thing to say. PIMP OUT!

So what, I'm supposed to buy her some noodles and listen to chicks who can't play their instruments?


(Its no Bikini Kill or Raincoats, but its pretty good.)

skulls and teeth and bad ass guns

This rad handyman dude that works at 3F was telling me about how in the summer he goes hunting in Arkansas, which was a perfect opportunity to ask an expert how to clean the guts off animal skulls. I would never hunt (well never say never, but lets be real. The only interest I have in guns is shooting one of those rapid-fire machine guns--where you wear the ammo across your chest--at the red carpet of the Oscars) but I am interested in animal bones, skulls, and fur. He told me if I found a dead animal all I have to do to clean it is to take it to a car wash and blast the shit out of it (in the middle of the night, obviously) with a gnarly high-powered hose. Done and done! Picture that photo-op of all quick time! Especially cos I'd most likely be wearing my bright yellow rain poncho that has Mickey Mouse on it! Yowza! Hopefully I won't have to do that intense ceremony though if this good ol boy comes through as he offered and gets me a bear skull! The casualness of his offer, the nonchalance about it, the no big d he made it seem, makes me hope he's being for real! He also told me he could get me "tons" of coyote skulls too. I already have one coyote skull, but if I had many...jeez I could do any number of things with those (Burning Man anyone? Paint em all *funky* and sell them? SYKE). I think I would build a plexi-glass box and fill it with them and use it as a side table. Or I'd have them laying around everywhere. Who knows!
These are bear skulls


This dude, the handyman, doesn't hunt animals though, he hunts birds and fish. Yes, fish. I was like, "how do you hunt a fish???" Well apparently if you "hunt" the type of fish that this madman does, you are hunting a weird ass fucker that has the beak (?) snout (?) WHATEVER it would be called, of a dolphin--so like long, but with insane teeth that are really long and evil and sharp, so you catch it with a net, and THEN (no big deal) shoot it between the eyes with a 38. IMAGINE.

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Aaaaaaa

Blogging live from life via itouch is kind of butts. Part of it is I'm semi re-re with techno so I don't know how/if I can put pics up on here. Whatever. Saw Greenberg today, liked it. Ben stiller is weird right? I hate it when he has muscles.

Monday, April 19, 2010

beyond the valley of the dolls

Since i have had a lot of posi (posi is what we used to say in the hardcore scene for "positive") feedback on the Rollins doll I shamelessly made and show people like its not weird at all, I am going to expand the group so Mr. Garfield has some rocker buddies to pal around with.
Steven Adler? Yes. Looking forward to doing the teeth and peace sign tattoos as well as a little Ed HArdy shirt with little red flared jeans. I guess I'll have to make a doll of his weird ass mexican child bride too, who could forget that lil Harsh Times princess?

Duh. Also will have him in these wonderful trousers. Naked in the rain, Dr. Dolittle, whats your secret????????????

And can't forget Bob


I have a flag. Don't expect to see me in a different shirt EVER AGAIN. Those who know me know this is true.
HIS OUTFITS ARE AMAZING! LOOK AT THIS ONE!
What in the fuckstick? Is that cross made out of jade? Coins on his hat????? Womanly length hair? Strike me dead with a rubber crutch cos I am in hog heaven gazing at this man. (I am shaking my head, fanning myself with a 'kercheif cos WOW.)

Thursday, April 15, 2010

Sorry

Why is it that people have such a hard time saying they are sorry? It's so easy to do. If you did something foolish, if you neglected to think about how yr actions made someone else feel, and they bring it to your attention, just say you are sorry. Everybody jumps to defensive mode which makes everything worse. I started thinking about this while watching the unbearable Real Housewives of NY. Bones Brigade Magillicutty and her homo husband are the only juggalos on that show that have any dignity and decorum. The rest of them are straight up atrocious, vile hosehounds. Whatever I don't care. Their ludicrous behavior is just a perfect example of what i'm talking about. The chick who looks like Clark Kent got in a fight with the Kathy Griffith one and could have diffused the whole deal by being mature and listening to Kathy and sincerely apologizing. When someone is pissed at you it's for a reason, so think about it and sincerely say that you are sorry. Try to imagine, somewhere in yr narcissistic pea brain, what they feel like inside. If you care about people at all, like in general even, why not try to treat them well? "Winning" an argument is not that satisfying in the long run.

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Kid Rock I have a platonic boner for you boy!

I watched this two hour long thing today called Motorcycle Maniac 3. I think that's what it was called. Anyway, it was all about that Jesse James bafoon. I fully admit that I am more curious about that hunky badboy since all the shit about him came out, which why would you marry a dude who had already been married to a porn star. Sandra Bullock must be a freaky-deaky, a fuckin freak on a leash. Anyway that dude is a ponce. Howevz, a big part of this movie was Jesse james and bob(you prob know him as "Kid Rock") going on a vision quest on Choppers through Mexico. I love kid rock A LOT. At one point KR & JJ are sitting in front of some hut, KR is playing a guitar and singing a country song about being a "loon" while JJ, who is wearing blazing white socks pulled half way to his knees, is feeding a dog peanut M&Ms. Sounds like a weird dream right? I know it sounds insane clown but I know if KR and I knew eachother we would be very good friends. He has such a nice face. I want to hang out on the curb by 7-11 with him at 1am on a summer night. I want to watch shit on YouTube with him. I want to tease him about the sex tape he made while hanging out with that Creed guy and then promise I'll never make fun of it again but I just couldn't help myself. And we would drive around detriot singing that ill duet w me as Sheryl crow.

Monday, April 12, 2010

BP<>BP<>TROLL<>2<>TROLL







A few years ago my friend Vanessa and I (Bronwyn--she's the chick we ran into in the street my last day in SF) and I went to see Rollins Band. We called the venue ahead of time to see what time the powerhouse was due on stage so we wouldn't have to witness whoever would possibly open up for them. Exactly at the time RB was starting Van and I dropped to our hands and knees and crawled through the sold out show made up of marines, 40-something midwest punks trying to keep that candle burning by wearing leather jackets and converse and wallet chains accompanied by wives in cat-eye glasses and maroon hair--also in Converse but paired with some wack Exene Cervenka dress and of course, a leather or gas station jacket, oh and lets not forget the lunchbox-as-purse--my fav of these couples are the ones who bring their mortified kids; jocks, genuine misfits such as fat black punkers wearing choakers, comic book/Kevin Smith blobs, and a few semi-attractive punk cougars (i guess?). People are fucking total pussies so nobody said anything about us crawling our way to the front, but when they would passive-aggressively snort Vanessa would shout "Dood! I lost my fucking contact lens man!" (Vanessa is the most hilarious person alive, her voice is amazing and my fav quote from her ever is: "Dood! Megadeth fucking rool! All their songs are puns!" said of course in the craziest Da Bears Chicago accent). ANYWAY. The moment we make it to the front row, as we are standing up from our Commando-ass mission, Rollins runs onto the stage--as usual shirtless in the black shorts--and Van and I BOTH, SIMULTANEOUSLY, burst into tears! Jacko style dude. Like he's the fucking Beatles and we are at the goddamn Ed Sullivan show. That is how much I love Rollins. If that story doesn't fully convince you, take a look at this insane clown shit:

Yes, I made this. The tattoos are embroidered. Look, this is just the way I am and when people fight who they really are, they become like Tom Cruise. Tom Cruise fucking sucks, plus everybody already knows what he's hiding anyway. Like Heidi Montag. What is the point of getting plastic surgery when you are already famous? We know what you looked like BEFORE! And trust in me, we will not forget. Ever.
So anyways, now that you know all this, imagine my ass showing up for work and finding out that Rollins is there watching a movie! And this also happened to be my first day back from seeing my BFF&E&E&E&E x infinity, which may not to the naked eye seem connected, but like all things, it is. And since I have the whole day off today, and the codiene I took this morning to cagefight the mini- Freddy Kreuger thats been doing a gymnastics floor-routine all up in my uterus is finally wearing off from a heroin-esque zombie daze to mild normailty, I'm going really bust it out, and if it bores you, you are only a click away from evacuation, so its not my fuckin prob.
I am putting the following vids on here because there is no other way to explain the profound connection this has to me, in addition to the first time Bronwyn and I hung out as per usual I was defending my love for Henry Rollins to some idiot who obviously has no spirit of life and Bronwyn was like, "I love Rollins too!"



Bronwyn and I are BFs the way Rollins and Joe Cole were. We think we are the funniest people on earth. We alienate others with our retardation. We annoy everyone by accidentally talking like Valley Girls. But most importantly, we have been through a lot together and I love her more than anyone!
Sometimes I think about Joe Cole dying and I really cry.
I went to San Francisco with an aching in my heart. (JK, that was beyond wack). I went for my birffday to see Bronwyn and Stefan last week.
The second day there we went to Alcatraz, and before we even got on the fucking boat it was plain to see we were about to start a riot in this bitch.
Stefan told us that in the 70's Alcatraz was taken over by Indians and there is still a bunch of Indian graffiti up. Pretty sick.
You can still see some on this watertower too.
The people on the tour seemed pleased enough to experience the history of the place, and yeah, things are kept really cute.
Too bad these fucks didn't have Etsy back then, they'd be Buy Olympia superstars! Ninnies.
Like I said, this stuff was cute and all, but I was more fascinated by the wildlife roaming the grounds.
How do you assemble this above outfit? Is it bought deliberately, piece-by-piece? Or is that a one-stop-shop? How long did it take to pick each item? Did he look at them, like really look at them, try them on, and look from different angles, making different faces in the mirror, or was it a nonchalant and immediate toss into the cart? (Yes, the cart. Meijer, obvo.)

I don't care how old I get, or how sick I get, or whatever. Wearing this outfit is less than an option than living the rest of my life in a complete football uniform with multi-colored clown wig sticking out of the helmet and crocs worn stuffed into stilettos. Oh wait but is she blind? Whoops.
Bronwyn and I were laughing at this eurotrash shitball so hard, people must have thought we had taken a matress-sized bag of shrooms.
I don't know why either, I don't know why its so funny, but it is. Look at his feet too. I'm laughing even now looking at this shit.

So into this guy! Its like if a newscaster was kidnapped, given 800 hits of suburban 90's acid, and dressed up in Jordan Catalano's discarded clothes. Then was dropped off at Alcatraz. As the kids are sayin: No Big D.
LOVE this next look.
You know what store is super ill? Like I used to like Supreme, like I mean its o-kay for just like whatever, but man, the Gap is sweet bro! I wish I could find one! When you live in the midwest man, you just can't get the whoop ass gear you can get at The Gap, it sucks!
This kid's got the real deal, blue on green! So effing DOPE you guys!

I aint even gonna lie dudes, this next person was my fav. Look at Bronwyn scoping her too. SYNCRONICITY AS USUAL.
Property of Alcatraz: Psycho Ward. It is my experience that when one does a tourist sitch, you buy your souvineer AFTER you've experienced the magic. Like this guy:
He most likely bought this charming sweatshirt after being spirited away by the thrill ride that is Pirates of the Caribbean. But then again, maybe I'm wrong here.
This girl however, is obviously deeply into Alcatraz. She dressed up like she was about to take the stage in Jailhouse Rock, she was SOLO, and then there is this
where she is OBVIOUSLY imagining she IS Al Capone staring longingly at civilization. So fucking rad.


This is a woman btw
Bronwyn got an awesome pic of her with her kid from the front, zigazigow!

Rasta drugrug + basketball shorts = perfection
Cute socks too broseph.

What is she texting? "Totes @ da 'traz bitches! Jelly balls much? LOLOLOLOLOL!" Probs true.

Worst outfit on earth. www.buyolympia.com

OMG OMG OMG biggest most insane clown posse EVER!!!!!!!!!!!
Don't sweat the technique!

La la la la dee, la la laaaaaa, oh whats up?
Fuck NO I aint gonna let the troll I'm giving birth to out of my motherfuckin chin stop me from going to Alcatraz, what are you fuckin STONED or somethin'? Sheeeeit. Oh hell no dog. Hay-el no!

Hey rasta drugrug kid! I found you your soulmate! Don't fight it. I wanna see those yellow sweats on yr floor with the rest of your empty Dr Pepper bottles, floppy socks, video game controllers and an unraveled roll of paper towels.

After Alctrz we went to Borders and had an interesting experience. We ordered our bevs. The guy asked Bronwyn, to her face, if she wanted it hot or iced. She said hot. Then he asked if we wanted whipped cream on either. We both said yes. When we picked up our drinks one of them was iced and neither had whipped cream. I brought this to his attention, and he goes, "Neither of those kind of drinks come with whipped cream." YOU ASKED us if we wanted it fool! I was dumbfounded. Since "rules" at this Borders are apparently changing minute-to-minute (it IS California...) we left them this as a memento of our time there
Next stop was the Tonga Room, which is a Hawaiian themed bar in a fancy hotel.
The drinks were AMAZING, but they couldn't even compete with the spectacle we witnessed at a nearby table of mother-son duo. The mother looked like Aunt Jackie but with a perfect newscaster woman hairdo. The son was no older than seven years old and looked like a standard white child. He was drinking a kiddie-cocktail or whatever, and the mom started off with a huge shot of something. (This was at 5pm btw). Then before downing whatever else she was drinking (it looked like a man drink--on the rocks of course) she made her kid "cheers" her with his kiddie cocktail! Wicked stylee.


They have a glamorous bathroom huh?

Speaking of bathrooms, here is the Tonga Room's bathroom's worst nightmare! If it could see it, and if it could scream, it would scream like that hedgehog does in the trailer of that new Brendan Fraiser movie where a raccoon sprays him in the dong with a hose!
This was at a bar we went to my last night. I can't remember what its called but its the type of place that dudes who like High on Fire go. We blasted back more than a few double Hounds there, and the bartender had a serve made of lead! I got funked up.

By the time we got to the next place

I was feeling like this
but that never stops me from going until the birds start chirping, especially if I can refuel with my fav delicacy: CHOS.

After those chos it was time to do what we came to SF to do: write. (For novices, "write" means to do graf, "graf" meaning graffiti, but really if you don't know that, I don't think you have any biz reading this blog, k?)
Here is us with our finished piece (we have to hide our faces cos we don't want to go to jail--AGAIN). After this it was time to go to Hamburger Eyes to do our "ritual" after exhaustive writing sessions


The ceremonial alien vs punching back gave us a second wind and we hit the streets again

And thats it!
Before you go peep the most amazing bithday cake that hase ever existed!!!!!!!!!!
Bronwyn, I love you! I got Fast Sofa in the mail today for when you visit this summer!!!!!!!!!!