FAST SOFA???

Bronwyn,

Do you know about this movie "Fast Sofa" (ps, totally the name of our new band--Jewelry's side project)?????????
I was doing some Bijou-trolling and found THIS:

Movie description
After his Los apartment is robbed, selfish hedonist Rick (Jake Busey) flies off the handle and leaves behind his loyal girlfriend Tamara (Natasha Lyonne) and his best friend Jack (Adam Goldberg) in favor of a hedonistic road trip. He begins in Los Angeles, where he acquires a sidekick in the more reserved Jules (Crispin Glover). In Palm Springs, he has spends a brief, educational experience with his favorite porn star, Ginger (Jennifer Tilly). Through various intoxicating beverages and substances, Rick and Jules learn a little bit about themselves, their lives, and each other. Based on the 1993 novel by Bruce Craven, who co-wrote the screenplay.

Supposedly Bij is in this too WTF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

All kinds of stuff

Major TV binge yesterday cos I've been sick as a butt.
#1) I don't know why I'm sort of sad that Brittany Murphy died. Maybe its because we are the only two people on earth with that name over the age of two. I mean, her character in Clueless was unbearable(though her first scene she is wearing a shirt with a troll on it). Her character in Girl, Interrupted was even worse, but then again Girl, Interrupted is the best worst movie ever made, so she did a good job in that...whatever, I don't care about her acting. I care about the fact that she had full blown facial reconstructive surgery for no apparent reason, was obviously a total drug-dog, had that psychotic relationship with Ashton Kutcher, and then MARRIED some bloat-hog British con artist!!!!!!!! She is the reason I am so obsessed with LA.
ALSO. Is it acceptable AT ALL to offer condolences for someone's death via fucking TWITTER??? Am i the only person alive that finds that repulsive, degrading, and classless? My favorite part about it is that these fucktards can't even muster up the decorum to NOT use that gay shorthand 'lol' shit, like "OMG SOOOO sad :( RIP angl u r missed" FUCK OFF!!!!!!!!!!
Kathy Najimy tweeted, “wrked w/& knew Brittany 4 14 years (& plyed her mom once as well) sweetst most talnted angel who got hked up w/ wrng people. we love u brit. so sad this is truly a waste. feeling regret we didnt’ do more. i love you so much Brittany and always will.”

Mena Suvari tweeted, “I’m just sooo devastated now☹. Found out Brittany Murphy died earlier this morning & I’m shocked. We worked together & I knew her for yrs. She was an amazing person, an amazing actress & so full of life. I ALWAYS admired her in SO many ways. May you rest in peace…”

ANYWAY.
I was watching that show "Tough Love" (last season was better). Some idiot was FREAKING out cos the guy they hooked her up with is jewish. Like being a real asshole about it. I personally don't get it. I think Jews are hot. I'm embarrassed to admit that I think Adam Goldberg is hot not cos he's jewish, but because he's a blowhard. I also have a crush on that jew that is in EVERYTHING, he is in Harold and Kumar, Slums of Beverly Hills, I don't know what else. People have told me he's on some show called Numbers, but that doesn't sound like my style.
Saw the saddest Intervention ever. It was a DEEP nerd with diabetes, and that was what the intervention was for, him not taking care of his diabetes. The kid wasn't even ON DRUGS dude! He lived with his very nice parents in a super cool santa fe-eian paradise. I was crying through the entire episode. He was just a nerd. No one came to his birthday party. Then he was going to meet some bros from work for dinner, which he called "a real to-do"--his calling it that broke my heart into about 80 million pieces which have since been slowly floating toward my feet like deflated pop-rocks, if that makes any sense--and none of them showed up so he ate alone!!!!!!!! Twist the fucking knife man! Here's some lemon juice, just spray it on there, what the fuck ever. What the fuck ever.

DB Magic IS real (No MJ)

Fuck that hilarious shit MJ said about David Blaine's magic being real. Yes, it is funny, DUH. It was MORE funny when MJ called Tommy Matola "very bad, and very devilish". Being called "devilish" is amazing, and makes me hungry cos its a cross between "devil" and "delicious", which is obviously a ref to the caviar of the midwest: deviled eggs. DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED!
ANYWAY. I have been obsessed with David Blaine since BEFORE the pussy-posse (to novices: the Pussy Posse is David Blaine, Tobey Maguire, Leo Dicaprio, and Harmony Korine. Jesus walks, right?) and I am fully bugging out (sorry, theres just no other way to say it!) that this amazing photo of ALL of them is not on Google--its them chilling in a hotel room in kimonos, yes you heard me right. Thank effing G I long ago printed out a pic of it, which note to self: FIND IMMEDIATELY AND GET BACK-PIECE TAT OF!!!!!!!!!! ANYWAY! Davis Blaine is possibly the most more human than human person who has ever lived! I want a DB/Fiona Apple transcribed convo! I want a sex tape. I want a 2 hour long drunken session with him. I want to know, dude, what is your deal??? I want to know why you abandoned your insane DIY street magic for standing on an ice cube with no food for 60 days (boring). I want you to rub my temples and recite Germs lyrics to me while I drift to sleep in a room at the Gramercy Park hotel. I want you to give me Bijou's cell phone number so I can call her!!!!!!

I should be asleep

Anyone who has, can, or will watch this video and feel like life has meaning is a friend of mine.

Anyway. You know that show Hoarders? No its not about me. Yeah. Well I was just watching that shit and they pulled out a dead cat that was flat as a board and had an expression on its face of utter screaming terror. Its the face I would make if I were forced to live in a windowless room with nothing in it for eternity with Jennifer Love Hewitt.
I've been really into TV (I was going to say "lately" but thats a joke of all time) even though I don't get to watch much of it. Million Dollar Listing is EASILY my most fav shit on right now. The Ad Rock one has my same belt and sunglasses. I'm nothing less than obsessed with all of his coordinating ostrich-skin Hermes desk accessories (including Kleenex box! So manly) and gorgeous wallpaper. He's like 22 and his whole deal is that he lives in the same building in Bev Hills as his grandmother, and OBVIOUSLY rips her style to no end. They both fake this old-money Park Ave vibe but they live in Beverly Hills! Trashy! I could live in Beverly Hills dude, me. You are not rich. But I love you anyway! Everybody (okay, everybody online that have blogs about the same awesome topics as me) hates the Mike D one because he's the most ridiculous one, but fuck that, homeboy is definitly more human than human. Yeah, his hair sucks. So does yours. Hair in general sucks, its disgusting. Thanks for just growing for no apparent reason out of my fucking armpits and crotch, really cool. Looks great, so necessary. ANYWAY. Chad rules and if you can't deal with it maybe you should take a look at the man in the mirror cos as far as I'm concerned anyone who hates Chad Rodgers just hates themselves. I love how he talks. He listens to every word he says as he's saying it, which is a sonic mindfuck. Its like when you record some cassette tape of fake commercials with your friends when yr like 6. He talks in that voice, all the time. And those words he so obsesses over so carefully come out of thin, purple lips. Kool Aide moustache club in the house. The MCA of the group just came out of the closet and is boring mostly cos he's so reasonable.

Yes I steal all my pics from Dlisted. Who cares.

This kind of outfit happens when someone is on drugs right? I don't see any other possibility.


Here's me and Bronwyn


Look at how effing FAT this bitch is. Her ARM has a muffin-top! What a hef. Also, don't ball me out but I like that headdress thing! I KNOW! I'm embarrassed. Something else thats embarrassing is that I used to listen to Ani Difranco! That is truely mortifying. "I open the fire door". !!! Wack!


Z. Efron is deeply BEE huh? (Bret Easton Ellis) I'm into it.

Me, and You, and Everyone We Know

have to watch this shit immediately! Throw your prozac in the trash cowboy and saddle up to this puppy

DO NOT even DREAM about outbidding me on this, I will kill you

Serious
(click on "serious")
The other "item" this person is selling is 8 bottles of purple Vitamin Water. WTFx80 million.

"Thank You"

Why do I not own this thing??? (The skull, not MJ's dad. Owning him would be so annoying!) Look at how he is holding his hand so that he can stick his fingers in there! Stop it! STEP AWAY FROM THE SNACK JOE!

What else do I have today...oh yeah, another creepy hands picture


Look at Nicole's hand on dude's knee. Really feeling the passion. How come no one ever talks about when Nicole was a chunker with scragly ass lavender highlights and wore pleated mini skirts and shit? Oh and also was doing heroin? Its as if it never happened, and thats cool, I mean I don't want to go back to the time in my own life when I had short hair and wore dudes skate shoes, but I know it happened. I admit it.

As you all know I hate being a name dropper, but to everyone who didn't believe that I'm Sam Ronson's new BFF here is the pic to prove it


I love this dress

KO needs to lay this hairdo to rest though. Its gross. I think she should go for an unkempt version of Cher's hair. Long, thick, parted in the middle...wouldn't that look great? God I sound like Isaac Mizrahi or something. Whatever! Gay dudes are always right!

Could I be MORE excited for this bullshit!!!: (When she mouths "thank you" to him I seriously die inside, this movie is going to be the best thing on earth...we are really supposed to believe that Natalie Portman has kids??? SURE! Super stoked for yet another movie featuring a bunch of famous twats who have zero chemistry and thus ruin what could be a good movie)

Imagine this!

Shrunken heads & skulls - Three people who visited Nicolas Cage's house reported seeing shrunken heads. Cage also purchased a dinosaur skull in 2007 for $276,000 in a heated auction with Leonardo DiCaprio.
THIS WORLD IS CRAZY!!!!!


Also, unrelated, here is a sweet quote from that amazing woman I work with:

(Music playing--Europe's "Final Countdown". My other coworker and I had just finished listening to Dio.)
Amazing woman comes over to our area.
Amazing woman: "What the fuck are you guys listening to? Final Countdown? God this shit SUCKS!"
Other coworker: "Do you like 'Holy Diver'?"
Amazing woman: "Dio?" (Her face immediately brightens) "Dio is a GOD. He's a troll, but a god."

PS

"Satan is a nerd and God is a jock" --Caroline Doyle

So tight.

Starbuck makes a new coffee/energy drink in a tall can, and its amazing

FINALLY! Pics from me & Lyne's RT, bon app!

Ok have to warn you, tons of sky shots. But like whatever, when you live in a cloggy ass city you never see the thing.

Hmmm, wonder why when we were at the border of mexico they thought we were moving a hydro-lab.

This is the ultimate pink. I'm serious, its like the most perfect color I've ever seen and I am obsessed with it. Maybe people who aren't totally nutzoid don't understand, but you can't often find things that are the perfect color. For pink, this is it.


Italian Vogue. Don't know who besides scott will understand.

Obligatory.


Did I not mention that Terry Richardson came with us? HILARITY!!! I'm kidding!!!! This was our first motel stop in rural (yeah, I guess I didn't need to say 'rural' cos it was all rural) Missouri. The door to the room was "funny", ie wouldn't fucking open, so the (very nice) trolldog at the counter had some yokel show us the trick. The "trick" didn't work, so a super friendly shirtless trash monkey with an absolute PAISLEY of incredible DIY tattoos came right over and kicked the door in for us. BTW I'm serious, these people were all really cool and nice. THEN we ventured to this amazing grocery store where they had Duvel for $3!!! Score!

Hot tip: looking for mega-cheap gourmet beer and to get any work done, Independence, Missouri. Super Budget Inn. Say hi to these guys for me!


And this guy? Member Brad Pitt in Thelma and Louise? That's all I'm gonna say.

We stayed off the major highways so we could see some rural carnage and ghost towns.












If you drive seven miles into come cornfields in Kansas, this is what you might come to









Had to drive through this weirdness







WTF is this motel called??? It's like the name of a noise band!



O-kaaaay

















ANYWAY!



In the 5 million times I've driven across this glorious counrty I have never seen such a nice rest stop bathroom. Kudos New Mexico! You rule for many reasons. This made up for the disappointment of not running into Val Kilmer anywhere. Next time, Ice Man. Next time.


Maybe it was just the adderall but I was obsessed with this cloud! Still am.







These next pics are from the Petrified Forest, which is this crazy ass shit where super old trees turn into rocks. I put one in my pocket.






"MOST"?

This DQ was pretty amazing. Talked to the teen girl who was working there for a long time about my tattoos. She was really beautiful, could be a model, but has a fucking awesome moustache! Love that shit. The wood booths were very attractive as well, and there also was this oddity:

Yeah, just a lil juke in a plexiglass box surrounded by fake foliage. Its called Art, maybe you've heard of it?

No seriously dood, what's your effing DEAL?!

Swayze in Point Break, DEFINITLY flamethrower chic!


Arizona methlab, no big deal. (Major Italian Vogueage)













How the F we ended up in Sudan I have no clue


and then...


Oh my god you guys, I'm only kidding!
No, we then were in San Diego. I didn't take any pics there cos, who cares. We were so out of our goddamn minds I can't believe I had motor function.
Went to LA and was so fucking starving this is what I ate

At the gas station by Bruno's, gorgeous!

Not one but TWO Old Navy shirt sightings, both on Sunset!


Bruno and Becky's crib is rad! They even have a piece of my art displayed, guess what it is. (Yeah dude, I WISH it was an autographed pic of the Lollipop Guild!)






OMG also before I forget, Bruno and his roommate deliver food, and the roommate delivers to mad famous people, and one person is Macaulay Culkin, who LIVES IN AN APARTMENT!!!! Like an apartment dude. An apartment COMPLEX. WTF!!! Is that not the most hilarious shit of all time! He's always in pajamas and smokes Parliament Lights. Ludicrous.

Disgusting

Imagine this photoshoot! WTF!

One of my fav people on the lord's earth, JK Bruno, hail satan


Then Bruno drove me to the airport. We listened to and discussed the new Mastodon, which sounds like watered down Creed, a highschool band trying to rip off and slow down Mars Volta, and Nickleback. Essentially it rules, not.

I'm always sad when coming back from a trip, esp if its to LA, but on my way back from the train I saw this lil bad boy and knew I'm right where I'm supposed to be.