Girls to the Front

Dear Boys,

There are so many things I love about you, such as when you give me your old Powell/Peralta tshirts, or get ice for me at my job and bring me painkillers when I hurt my back, or help me jump my weird car. I like it that you have electronics that I can borrow, or if I somehow get my own--usually from an awesome boy-- you can fix for me. What I despise about you though is that you shove in front of me toward the end of a show, during my favorite song, and jock around with your wretched friend who, SOMEHOW, has worse hair than you. WHAT ARE YOU EVEN DOING HERE??? Why aren't you out at a beer garden with the other people who work at Enterprise Rental Car?

From,

Me

My future self came back in time and decided to take a tight spin on the Diversey bus. Who wouldn't? .

Thanks Charlie!

Living in America

The other day at work (who knows the fuck why) we were talking about Marilyn Monroe's height. Someone said they thought she was like 6 feet tall, and I, of course, was like, what the fuck are you talking about, she was totally not tall AND Carmelo goes, "Yeah, she prolly wore those, those, uh push-up clogs." I said, "What, high heels?" (Laughter) "Yeah." PUSH UP CLOGS. Where do you even come up with that?????  Awesome.

THEN Vinny made me nearly wizard my pants when he complimented a customer's Rolex*. He did it with a totally straight face. I was standing next to him and had to roll my eyes over like one of those cat clocks to peep this timepiece...it sincerely took every molecule of my being not to howl with laughter, seeing as it was a WOMAN'S Rolex on a man!!!!!! And it was the most gaudy gold shitter on earth, there were practically lazers shooting off it it was so gold and shiny. After he walked away Vinny kept saying, between hysterical laughter, "That was a woman's Rolex. IT HAD THE THIN BAND! It had the thin band."

*We discuss and make fun of Rolex constantly and have for more than a year. We also mercilessly make fun of Chase Sapphire credit cards and when any person pays with one we hand them their card back and say, "And here is your Chase Sapphire card back". Vinny was the one to start doing that. It nearly killed me.