MY NAME IS BRIIIIIIIIIIITT...

Why do I HAVE to title blogs? SO boring to try to think of something!

Just got back from Lake Huron, where I stayed in a cabin and read Nikki Sixx's Heroin Diaries (more like Diahrreas!!! Hahahahahaha) followed by The Dirt (the story of Motley Crue). I already hated Nikki Sixx to begin with based on the Motley Crue: Behind the Music. We get it troll, you "DIED". Big whoop. I am obsessed with how throughout both books this clown thinks that Motley Crue is so far superior to Poison and other buttrock bands of the time. Yes, they are cooler than all of those bands, but only for two reasons: their insane use of pentagrams all over the place, and obviously Mick Mars--who in The Dirt does NOT disappoint.

Here is one of many amazing quotes from him in this book: "I was in pain every day and worn out from years of driving 780 miles to each gig with a band that's squabbling like tittie-babies. It was getting pretty hairball."
SLANG ALERT! "Hairball" is filed to the immediate top of my lexicon.
Motley Crue's songs are not good. Vince Neil looks like Stiffler's mom (which is a total diss to her cos she rules) and is a complete and utter piece of human garbage. He KILLED someone while drunk driving and seriously injured two people in another car, yet spends his entire life whining like a spookhouse door on Halloween about his bloated, disgusting worthless life. NICE lip-injections bro. Lookin good, lookin DAMN good.


As I always suspected though, Tommy Lee rules. He is a blazing moron, but he rules. His chapters are practically on fire. It is as if he was recorded talking and someone simply transcribed what he was saying. All writing should be like that. Envy!
Here are some highlights I found to be positively remarkable:
(Part of a phone conversation pertaining to T-Lee and Pam's first date which she forgot about) Pamela: "Hey, whats up?"
Tommy: "Dude, what are you doing right now?"
He refered to her, to her face, as "dude"????? Its a grown woman, not Elissa Steamer! So cool.
Here is the beginning of his first chapter, word-for-word:
"Duuuuuude. Fuck yeah. Finally. How much room is Nikki going to get, bro? Fuck. The dude tried to put his own mother in jail. I love him; we've practically been married for twenty years. But sometimes its dsyfunction junction over there."
SLANG ALERT: Dysfunction junction? Even I don't have feathery enough nads to use that doozer!
"I'm a hopeless fucking romantic. That's a part of me a lot of people don't know about. [They don't know] a thing about my heart. Dude, its bad, but its all good. All fucking good."
I could read his writing all day. All fucking day. I'm going to have to take a stroll down to Myopic and get "Tommyland". I saw it there last week, WHY didn't I buy that brilliant opus??? Obviously it was shopping coma's own brainfart. WAAAAH!
Oh also, not a big deal at all, like in any way, but what about how Tommy NONCHALANTLY describes how he got into playing music with this lil anecdote: "When the milkman came by playing an accordion, I decided I wanted to learn the squeezebox."
(I know you can't see me, but I am sitting here in american flag shorts and a Napalm Death tshirt I got at Hot Topic this week--buy one get one 1/2 off: I chose A Death Row Record tshirt with Shug, Snoop, Dre and Pac 's faces on it as my sale item-- raising my eyebrows so high I can't believe they haven't flown off my fucking face.) WHA???? I know Tommy Lee is old, but seriously???? A "squeezebox"? An accordion-playing milkman??? Its like something out of O Brother Where Art Thou!

The T-Pain one is Patty's and it was on clearance for a mere 7 clams! Deep score. At the same mall I was luck enough to purchase these beauties


from this awe-inspiring treasure trove

which was owned and operated by a tweaker duo who were both shockingly lucid, friendly, and articulate. The 80 pounder with face tats who rang me up didn't even bat an eye at my complicated money arrangement (so that I would get a 5 and change out of a 20 rather than 4 and change). Not bad lil townie wizard. Great job!